GTGT,

I am curious and have a few questions. How are you able to avoid a love/hate relationship with your therapist? Is it because he/she sees you so often/calls you and is meeting your needs and most of your wants? I have BPD, so I truly don't understand this Because I have BPD and a preoccupied attachment type, I guess I need a different kind of therapy, but not having contact feels like a consequence for who I am, and it is very painful. I guess I can deal with painful.

I am so glad that you have such a good relationship with your therapist. Because I have BPD, ultimately to begin with my relationship is going to be love/hate, because anything in between requires trust, which takes alot of time for me. I think it is okay that this is where I am (not really). I delete posts like crazy because I write while I am in one state, and then hate what I write in another state. I have a am okay with me sometimes/hate relationship with myself, so me relating to anyone else in a fashion any better than that won't happen until I can change. I have no choice but to try and accept who I am now, but I don't. I want myself to be better now, but I can't be that. I can't be who I want me to be right now, or anyone else.

Another question, hope you don't mind. You talk about being a student and your therapist being the teacher. That sounds terrifying to me, sadly. I know that I have alot to learn from my therapist, and that he has the knowledge. However, I also have alot to teach him about me before he can ever use his knowledge to help me (he already has). Really, I think the power differential is something I have difficulty dealing with. I don't have to be in control, but I don't want my therapist to be in control. I feel ungreatful.

I need to accept Borderline self as little as I desire to do so. I also need my therapist to accept me even if I have a love/hate relationship with him to start. If he can accept this, then I can trust him to teach me how to be less black and white when it comes to feeling. For the first time with my new T, i am afraid that he won't be able to accept this.

I'm not sure if these were questions for you as much as they were points of processing for me. What you wrote stirred something withing me

Anyway, thanks for listening to me process. I hope you enjoy the holidays It sounds like you will