I'm having a little bit of a hard time being drastically underemployed. Let me explain for a moment:

I used to own my own business at which I was a moderate success. Nothing fancy, but my bills got paid and we'd moved up in the world. It was a small contracting business, and my clients were very loyal. I prided myself on providing the best service and worked hard at giving my clients what they wanted, not what I thought they needed. There is a difference.

My wife has been ill for a long time. My son has different needs. While I was worrying about the needs of my clients, things fell apart. I wasn't serving my own needs either. It didn't take long for everything to come crashing down. I was successful for 5 years, and grew substantially. Then plummeted for 2 years.

I still have clients that are willing to be loyal, but I simply can't afford the time away from my family, or the extra stress. At 34 I had my first heart attack.

I now work for a quarter over minimum wage in a fast food restaurant and attend school part time. I'm working on two books right now, with a third coming up after I complete my revisions of what I've got going on now.

Every time I go to work, in the back of my mind I feel nauseated by what I've become, and what I have to do to survive. I'm capable of quite a lot more than my job asks of me, and feel I deserve much more pay than my situation is possible in my present position. I find myself dreading it simply because I feel my time is better spent working on projects that will make some social difference.

I've taken to being the emotional repository for my mates at work to express my potential, and I'm worried that this is inappropriate, and dangerous. It doesn't help that I'm so damned lonely. I'm worried that playing that role will have financial and relationship repercussions, particularly because my wife is not only ill, but shows borderline patterns when she feels threatened.

I find myself enjoying the interaction, but detesting it also. None of it is on an equal level, or even transactional in that it's a fair exchange. I'm so much older, and have drastically fewer adjustment problems that I'm afraid I'm, in a sense, taking on more children.

I'm hoping to re-establish work history and move forward from there, but I'm not sure how long I can manage excellence in a limited scope, my responsibilities at home, and my (mostly self-imposed) social responsibilities, and my personal needs.

That's the gist of it: I feel both drastically underemployed, and overwhelmed at the same time. I'm afraid I'll screw things up and have to restart all over again somewhere else and again try to re-establish a work history that a decent employer can verify.