I understand your position ouch.....
But hurting yourself is not the answer.....

I am glad to hear that you don't believe "S" is the answer.
I am sorry that your family, in particular your mum also have to deal with depression, but I'm sure she isn't trying to make you feel guilty, I think she's maybe trying to show you that if you do hurt yourself, she will be unable to live as she has lost you!!!!

I think you need to focus your spare time on doing the things you enjoy, the things that make you happy......
I find when I am feeling low, putting my energy into something I love to do..... it always puts a smile on my face & makes me feel good!!!

Look after yourself & try to stay positive!!

Flinty