I haven't been around much here. But, lately I have been doing a lot of work...and I mean, painstaking, heartwrenching, wanting to throw it all away WORK.
I have been so influenced by the past for so long, without even realizing it. I mean, it was natural for me to hate myself. It seemed okay to sooth myself by harming my body.
If I am fat I won't get abused or attacked sexually. If I wear my hair short they will just keep thinking I am a guy from far away and they won't try to hurt me. These and many more random thoughts have gone around my brain for years...but I only connected them in the past few days.
I went to the park today and journaled.
I came across many issues that need resolving...but that when I re-read what I wrote I realized it is only because I am working through these that I have gotten to the point I am now.
I am not 100% healed...but I am no longer 100% damaged.
I still am skeptic that I can get to a point of fully accepting myself, my body, my sexual resistances.
But, I will keep fighting. I lose battles from time to time, but I have yet to lose the war!
For, I AM A SURVIVOR!!