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I'm not dreading it, but I'm not doing handsprings of joy either. I used to go all out for the holidays - decorating, baking, finding just the right presnt for people. I loved it. I was like an overgrown kid.
At the same time I hated it. All the hype on TV about family and how wonderful it was to all get together. When the reality was mean drunks and bickering. A friend of mine and I defined a "good holiday" as nobody got too drunk and nobody fought (or at least the fighting was kept to a minimium).
Now, my family is all gone. I'm spending Thanksgiving with a friend from work. We're going to spend the afternoon making jewelry then eat the whole traditional turkey etc. I haven't figured out what I'm going to do for Christmas yet.
I'm having mixed feelings. Mom and I used to have a "girls day" out doing Christmas shopping. I miss that, not necessarily the shopping, but spending time with Mom. I'm missing all the people I cared about who have died. But when I start to get blue seeing all the "happy family" cr*p on TV, I remind myself that never was reality.
For what it's worth to those of you who are missing loved ones, I've given myself permission to morn them. If a wave of grief comes over me I let it. I pause and think about the person and let myself feel whatever I need to feel. Maybe you could do the same for yourselves, give yourself permission to not be happy?
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