Well Mr V,

I don't think you are stupid at all. I don't necessarily "respect" someone just because they "know things" or "get great grades". There are "all kinds of smart" V, and not all "smart" is measured by a degree in college. There can be someone with a great degree and grades that never does anything with their life.

Now, you did have a period where you achieved and felt that people "noticed" you more. Did it every occur to you what really changed was how you presented a more "positive" person and that is really what "others" responded to?

I want someone to "listen to me". Do you know "most" people want that? And many people "don't seem to get that"? If most people "got that" this site would be out of business.

And I have lost track of the times I have heard people say they really didn't have a good friend they could just talk to and do things with. Many say, something always seems to "go bad" somehow. Well, that often happens because most people don't know how to "give and take" in relationships. Or a lot of people are just like you V, deep inside they "don't feel worthy enough somehow".

You know what my problem was/is? I am the "listener" and "giver". When I told my first T I was joining this site he told me not to. He told me that all I would do is give to others and not myself. Then he told me, to "see if I could ask for help or put "my" problems out there. Well, it took me a long time to be able to do that. I tried many times and just deleted. And then when I finally did one time, kept it up, the response was "odd" because no one could believe that someone with so much "advice" could have my problems. I still have to "make" myself do that and it always feels uncomfortable. But I push myself to do it somehow, even if it is while "listening and helping someone else.

I learned that when I was little, that is the constant message I got. I had to learn to "listen" to others because I was the youngest.

My T said, what do you do for "you" Open Eyes. Well, I have snuck things in, but most of the time, I am doing for "others" somehow. I used to love antiquing by myself. I learned how to buy things and fix them up for my home as well. And then I made a friend and one day she cried and said, "I am going to be 60 and I have no furniture in my house". So I took her out and learned about what she liked. She liked "Georgin Style Furniture" very fancy lines and well made. So, I took her to all my haunts and she slowly began to find funiture she "could afford to buy" that was nice as well. She never considered buying used quality antiques and funiture from the 30's that was good quality. I studied everything she was drawn to and when she could not go out, I would and find things I knew she wanted and put them on hold for her. She funished her big empty Georgeon Colonial. It took me a couple of years to help her with that.

When the PTSD got bad I had to give up some friends because I actually didn't have the energy to give to anyone. I have learned a lot about myself in dealing with this PTSD. Even in my own family, I was the listener alot, and if I talked about my struggles, I kinda knew I didn't have much talking time. I learned that "most people" just want someone to "listen to them" and so it was "easy" for me to collect people.
I didn't mean it that way either, it was just something I learned really well.

So V sometimes "what you think you need to be" isn't always really what you need to be. It sounds more like your father told you what you needed to be. And more than you actually achieveing what brings attention is, the way you express yourself when you do achieve.

We "all" have "shortcomings" V. Many feel they don't seem to "know enough" somehow. None of us "know enough" we are always "learning" our whole lives. So it is time to crack a smile, have "pride in what you have gained" and see if that pride can produce others being "more receptive to you".

It was not long ago when you posted pics and that got a lot attention. And I do remember you saying, what you did was not good enough, others have more this or that. Well, you were appreciated for what you "did do".

Chess? Geez, I have no idea how to play it, does that make me dumb? If so, I don't care, I am never going to be number 1 or the best, I am just going to keep learning and being me. I am impressed at what you know in how to play chess myself.

Open Eyes