Ok, yes, that does come from being pushed around a lot by others. That does lead to having the feelings you are discribing. Well, I have seen you stand up for yourself, and you are not stupid either. I am wondering if your manerisms might send off defensive messages you don't recognize. Some people think it is their looks that are somehow not acceptable, but some of our best loved "charector actors" were not handsome but they all had that charector about them that everyone liked. Like Jimmy Darante, remember him, Ha cha, cha, cha.

I think that you have yet to see yourself as a "good guy". I already see that here at PC. So it is not your communication skills or lack of empathy and you are "honest" which is the first thing I think of as "important".

You have to find your way past the bullying. I am working on that in a way too. That takes time. I have been pulling it apart and thinking about each way it has affected me and then I work on overcoming my own bad feelings about each issue.

There are always people that are going to try to bully others, push others around and they always look for someone a little "different' to do that with. It all depends on if you "take it" and that is a challenge. And it is taking it "internally" more than anything else. I work on that too unhappyguy and I am the only one that can do that for "me".

My T told me today, often it can be the "nicest" people that get bullied too. Often that is because the people that "bully" are "not truely nice people" so they pick on nice people. I never thought of it that way.

You have to work on loving yourself first, and I don't mean "narcisim", I mean self care and respect. It isn't always easy to let go of "self blaming" too. I am often "hard on myself", especially with the PTSD an not just being able to "just get over it" right away. I have to learn to celebrate each gain along the way too. Something only I often see too.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes