how very selfish it's bad! I'm just so down....and not like suddenly down.
like oh wow I'm depressed today...thats not it.

...it's an underlying feature a permanent thing that hurts me and I'm numb to it!..and thats the worst thing...like a splinter in the finger just out of reach can't get it out just ignore it but after a while it's like...damn this thing is controlling my life!

...and when I'm upbeat it feels like it's all pretend ....or even worse just an accident fluke I can't control that either.

I'm not asking for anything here...you wonderful people already share your hearts so beautiful...and I feel guilty for still feeling this terrible way underneath everything.

I really don't want to do anything anymore....my brain is just so burnt out...my feelings are random there is nothing to connect the dots they are just scattered around too much.

...and yet this desperate energy within me insists....! damn it all God why make me do this leave me alone!



bring universal combustion destroy everything shattered planets in collision shake it all right up this morbid crap explode life back into me!