Just a vent here....I wasn't sure which category to place it, so if it belongs somewhere else, mods, please move to the proper location.

I am a mix of feelings right now. I am angry, hurt, frustrated, mad at myself and feeling slightly humiliated. My family, my brother, they just dont get it! They refuse to acknowledge their part in this whole thing, and I am furious! Everything is by their rules. They don't give a good **** about me, the anxiety, panic, cptsd....any of it. I am so angry right now too I could spit nails!

I ran out of the office yesterday, locked myself in a bathroom stall for an hour (all the memories, hurt, anger, frustration, flashbacks running through my mind). I felt like I was stuck. I was stuck. I didn't know how long I would have to be in there. I just could not leave

My brother came to the office yesterday (which is always incredibly stressful for me), on top of the fact that I am already stressed because of the move. I have been trying to take care, be calm and not let all of it get to me (although my heart rate, blood pressure and vertigo tell a different story)

I am packing, and doing my thing, and my (stupid, freeking, insensitive meglomanical) brother suddenly spouts off, "oh. Mom an Dad are coming up right now. They will be here in a second."

At first, I thought I didnt hear him correctly. He repeated himself. I responded (heading into fight/flight mode) "why didnt you tell me??!!" (I havent seen or spoken with my monster, N, abusive mother in a year. And I had to separate myself from my father a few months ago . No contact.)

He said like the true ***** that he is, "I am telling you now."

I responded, panicked, "Are you off your rocker?!!"

I ran out of the office and locked myself in the bathroom.

I am a 40 year old child at that moment reliving every hateful, horrible thing they've ever done to me.

And there is nothing I can do. That was the only way I knew for self care. Trapping myself in a locked room with all the memories and hurt.