It's always ironic to me that whenever I talk about relationships I am told developing confidence will make others more receptive of me; the opposite has been the case for me. When I was noticed more, no, it wasn't because of how I presented a more positive person, as I believe I was the antithesis of that. Although I said I was noticed more as my grades improved, I certainly did not say I was more confident and felt happier, because that would be a lie. It was during this period that I started to SI more regularly, was institutionalized, tried to commit suicide, abused medication, and I was incredibly resentful, bitter, and alienated. What I used to do was scribble "failure" all over assignments before handing them in, burnt report cards and awards, refused to look at my scores and refused to be photographed, believe me, I was far from presenting myself as positive and more approachable. Undoubtedly I was more self-destructive than I had ever been before this period.

But ironically it was during this period of my life that I had the most success with women. Several female classmates were interested in me, although I didn't take advantage of this, because I was too focused on academics and self-destruction to think much of relationships. I started high school believing that I was unlovable and that I could only change this with perfection, a paradox, yes, but it was how I developed.

Now as I attempt to be more confident and less bitter about the world I find it nearly impossible to find a woman that can like me, but I am told confidence is attractive, which makes absolutely no sense to me. Immediately after I was discharged from the hospital when I tried to commit suicide, I met a girl that whom I would later date in what was to become the best relationship of my life, and now, having managed almost a year without SI and working hard to improve my self-esteem, I am losing relationships (i.e., best friend stops talking to me) and experiencing endless rejections. Less people like me now.

Yet I am supposed to believe confidence is attractive? My experience tells me women are receptive when I ignore them and treat them like objects, which I know a lot of women here will object to, but I am speaking out of my experience of the then and now.

I taught myself how to play chess when I was about 12 years old. Non-chess players can't understand how stressful it can be, and the amount of pressure that exists to win can be unbearable. The social hierarchy the exists with chess ratings doesn't help that. Chess has caused more people to commit suicide than any other game I know of; I made a short list to demonstrate this to a friend last year. (Don't know if it would be appropriate to post on PC?)

I have difficulties with speech thus writing is much more natural for me, but, yes, I am told I am a talented writer.

How do I know if who I am today is good enough, Aoikaze? If I am never the best, than what possible worth can I have, other than being 'unique,' which really means little to me? The 'best' I can do is not necessarily worth anything. People aren't remembered because they tried, they're remembered for whether they succeeded or not, or that's how it seems to me.

Feel like such a failure.