I remember when I first started seeing my P-doc this past summer and she wanted to see me every three weeks. And then how happy I was when she let me see her every four weeks. And then she said let's try six or eight weeks. I remember thinking that was such a ridiculously short amount of time and why couldn't it be longer. That didn't last long.

Sigh. Now I wish I had my act together for six or eight weeks.

I'm falling apart pretty badly right now. I'm totally lacking when it comes to articulating myself. I envy some of you who seem to be able to express yourselves so well. But it's not good at the moment. My p-doc knows. She took one look at me this afternoon and said she needs to be seeing me weekly because she knows I'm trying to avoid being hospitalized. I told her I'd rather just see her in the middle of December, but she said no. I do know she is trying to help me stay at home where I can be with my family and take care of my kids. I just feel so incredibly defective to be going in more frequently instead less frequently as time goes by. Instead of making progress, I feel like I am going backwards. Forget two steps forward, one step back. I think I'm taking one step forward, two steps back... At least I have a good p-doc though. She really does care and listens to me. So that is something. I don't really dread going in to see her.

I've been crying so much lately because the anxiety and depression are so bad and we haven't figured out the right meds for me. But I did have one moment that made me smile while I was at her office today. Every time I go in I look around. She has a beautiful office that overlooks a forest and a lake. (The view is amazing. I could sit there and just stare out her wall of windows all day.) Anyway. She has a bookcase, a table, a chair, a couch, and end table...some nice furniture around the room. Every time I go in, it seems like there is always one very little accessory that has been moved or is missing. So today I finally asked her. "I can't stand it, I have to ask. Do you remove and add one little thing each time to see if your patients notice?" She got a confused look on her face and asked what in the world I meant. I gave her an example and she laughed really hard. Then she got up and scrambled to look for the things I said were missing today. She pulled out a little stuffed animal dog that she said is very special to her that she said went missing for months that she had just found. Evidently when small children come to visit her they move things around the room. She thought it was funny that I thought she might be testing patients to see if they noticed whether she moved things. (Great. I probably have a new little note in my chart that says something like "Patient paranoid that doctor is moving items in office to test her." ) Oh well. I thought it was funny. I needed a little laugh. Way too much crying and depressing thoughts of a very heavy kind. For just a minute curiosity got the best of me, and I finally got the answer to a question that I had been wondering about. Wonder what my visit next week will be like.

I'm kind of wondering what "normal" is for how often you guys in to see your p-doc. Once you get stable is it not very often? Or is something like two months the best I should ever hope for you think? I know we're all different. Maybe someone who knows how to do polls could put one up with how often they see their p-doc typically (when not in crisis). That would be interesting to me.