Having visions of bloody wrists. Mine! *The bookstore has been good. *Mocha coffee with very little chocolate. *Side of ice water. <p>
I rode the escalator up to the second level of Barnes and Noble. *I searched for books on bipolar. *The same usual suspects: Cheney and Jameson. *I walked to the balcony between the down and up escalators. *I looked over. *I heard a man's voice say, "Don't do that; that's dangerous.". Behind him was his 2-year-old son. *I left the area to look for the afford-mentioned books only to return again. *Looking down, I was mesmerized by the people who could not see me. *I saw my leg reaching up and over the glass wall, then, of me falling down down.... *I remembered the bloody wrists and hands. * And yet on Ativan my brain is askew. *Caught between insanity at home and the supposed need for the psych ER. *Ativan is keeping me together. *A friend online who is also bipolar suggested that I'm in a mixed episode. *I won't discount anything. *The lighting of the store is wintry and crisp. *The book shelves are all taking on a surreal form. *The world I am in which is a dream. *This is called derealization and I know it's not good but I am here nevertheless. *The only thing that can save me is Ativan. *Drug me so I can't move. *Well guess what? I can still move! *My thoughts are still here. *I just feel less anxious.