It's good that you don't have "the cahones to do worse." I know you feel messed up right now, but you can use your ambivalence to protect yourself from further self harm. You seem to understand it would be a huge risk to cut deeper. Once you go deeper, you can't get rid of the scars. It can also lead to a severe cutting addiction.

I would try not to view cutting as a success, especially since it signifies pain, lack of control and (possibly) addiction.

This time of year is difficult.