Hey folks. This is my first time on the forum, and this post is kind of long. Also, I have a lot of sexual things to talk about, so if anyone wants to skip reading this, feel free.

On the outside, I look completely normal. I smile, I laugh, I socialize, etc. However, nothing I do that is supposed to give me pleasure is sincere. When I smile, I just smile. That's it. Nowadays, I don't even feel 100% human. I feel sub-human. And here's why.

First of all, I've had a horrible relationship with my brother that only began to soften up a couple of months ago. When I was young, I was a bed-wetter with tourettes and an annoying case of over-sensitivity. I didn't understand that brothers fighting and calling each other names was normal, so when my brother did that, I took it too seriously. I started hating him, because I thought he actually thought I was stupid and weird. But, a couple of months ago, he revealed that he in fact did genuinely care for me, and still does. He protected me against bullies, he always made me laugh when I was a toddler, and we had a lot of fun nights where we would talk about things in our room while we were drifting off to sleep.

I just remembered him as an evil, merciless person I had to share the house with. So once I had this great epiphany that my brother loves me, I started loving him back. Now, we're more like friends than we've ever been, and I'm happy that we've improved our relationship so much. But I also hate myself for being so stupid and over-sensitive.

Also, when I was young, I was completely unaware of how much trauma can come from unwanted sexual acts. I knew that calling people names and hitting people was wrong, but sex was such an unknown topic to me. So when I was in grade 4, I actually felt this guy's bare back with my hand for a couple of minutes. He didn't mind, and we were both taking it easy, so I thought nothing bad would come out of it. In fact, we were both getting along well in grade 6.

However, I think that, sometimes, I actually did things like grab people's nipples, and other body parts, without their consent, because I was a sexually curious and kind of perverted person. When I realized what molestation was just recently, and, more importantly, how badly it affects people, I became horrified and disgusted that I could have done things like that! I always thought that I was a good person; I try to be as helpful as possible, and I always act selflessly. But I was completely ignorant about the consequences of my actions.

I wasn't labelled as a sex offender or someone to avoid, or anything like that in elementary school. Nobody seemed to hate me; nobody seemed to be seriously depressed, or traumatized in any way. So all of that inappropriate touching just slipped out of my mind, from grade 5 until two weeks ago. That's right. I'm sixteen, and I just realized that molestation and rape are traumatic, and monstrous acts. I should've known since grade 8!

My mom says that, in grade 4, those kinds of actions were normal. But I'm not so sure now.

These things are what I'm obsessed with. This is why I can't smile without hating myself for smiling, or be happy without also feeling guilty for not being locked up in jail! I currently have a huge conscience, and my therapist says that I'm a legitimately good person. But, even if I wasn't so aware back then, I might have destroyed peoples' lives.

So like I said, I feel lower than human. Do I deserve to let this go? I feel like I should spent eternity behind bars.