Mystery,

It sounds like you have come such a long way in understanding yourself and now understand what you were afraid of that kept you away from your children.

It is sad when we have parents that are examples of what parents should NOT be like. I have always looked at parents as being examples of either what WE WANT to be like in our lives or as examples of what WE DON'T WANT to be like in our lives. We can use our parents to learn from either way we want to use them as examples. It is important to look at them & then imagine in our own mind what kind of ideal parent we really would have wanted to have had. When we are able to realize what the ideal parent would be like in our own mind, then we can try to emulate being that kind of person we wanted them to be like. We can try to be the kind of parent we always wanted our parents to be.

It is normal to have that fear that you have had of ending up like your father. You didn't have any other example to learn from. Most people I know that have experienced a similar situation end up with the same kind of fear you have.

It is also normal to want to make sure that you won't be the same kind of father that you had, & the easiest way to do that is to stay away from your children & not take any chance of making that mistake. Or as some people have explained.....run as fast as we can in the other direction. The important thing is that you sound like you have so much love for your children that it is truely sad to keep that love away from them.

It seems to me that you have learned from your father what you don't want a father to be like. It also seems to me that it could be a good thing for your children to get to know you. You have alot to offer them along with the love you have for them. You can also offer them the knowledge & understanding of what you went through as a child & provide them with the understanding of why you weren't there for them. The experience you have gone through in your childhood with your own father can also teach your children to understand that situations like yours exist in the real world & it doesn't mean that your love isn't or wasn't there for them. It just means that your desire to protect them from a situation like you went through was important to you.

Your fear has controlled you for so long......maybe it is time to face your fear & try to let your children know just how much you love them & how fear kept you away from them by trying to protect them. It is important for them to realize that fear can create situations like this, but there is a time to face the fear & work through it. Your children deserve to know your love for them & get to know you & to understand the reality of the situation that you have gone through. It can also be a chance to help them understand how much fear can control lives.

It wasn't your fault. You didn't have anyone to give you guidence to let you know there could be help for what you were going through. Fear can keep us from understanding ourselves when we don't even know that it is fear that is doing it to us.......like you said....maybe with 20/20 hindsight, you would have been able to get some good professional help to get you through your fear before is ended up controlling you so completely but when we are going through a situation, we don't even understand why we are doing what we are doing.

It is hard when we don't have anyone to guide us through a situation. Tto know what to do or what kind of help we needed at the timel or even that help was needed. What happened in your life has happened, & that can't be changed, but the situation you went through can be turned into a good thing for your children to learn from. It can give them a good chance to learn about how serious fear can be & how it can end up controlling a situation, but there can be help to work through it. Learning how to deal with fear is a very important lesson in life.

You have so much to offer your children on top of all the love you have been holding inside for them. Just because you were afraid to be there for them, didn't mean that you didn't love them......as a matter of fact, it probably was an indication of how much you really did love them.

If you approach the situation in a loving way, I am sure that your ex & the man that has been the father of your children will be open to letting you into your childrens lives. You deserve a chance to be with your children & they deserve the chance to know you & know the love you have for them.

You are a valuable person & father to your children......you need to realize how truely valuable you are. I hope this can help you at least realize that you deserve to have your children in your life & that there is no reason why a new chapter in your life & theirs can't start now.

Hugz,
Debbie