Hi.. i wasnt going to message or really do anything i guess but just take a look and see what the site has to offer for me.. your post changed my mind tho. i feel its important to tell you first i dont always make sence and can ramble when talking about these things.. sorry if that is too much for you.. but you made me not feel so alone.. thanks for your post misters..

I felt like i was smart for the most part.. i dont think i really thought much about it... i was never dropped on my head or injured in a way that can explain why i dont learn like every one else. i thought my self to read and write and that didnt happen till i was in the 4th grade and even longer to really use words other then i the ones i had down padded.. i got away with this simply cus i didnt raise my hand for the help i needed cus i had the other kids always laugh at me.. i was in the 1st grade when i had first started this * not doing it * behavour ( as seen in my spellling ) i repeated that year needless to say but after that year i was moved to a new school where i got to ride the short bus cus thats the only one that went that way.. as a kid i had no idea the jokes.. i was laughed at and had no idea why so i hid alot and often ate alone hiding under the slide so i wouldnt be noticed..
At home my life was pretty normal. i wasnt abused till i was 13 years old.. i was never beaten unless it was my sisters.. but i cant learn and keep what i learn for much of a time unless i have high high interest.. and even then.. i cant and it makes me feel so stupid.. i feel more stupid when the ppl around me no long no how to talk to me.. im 31 years old and i started my depression/anxiety/paranoia/eating disorders when i was about 15 years old.. i knew i had a social anxiety problem when i watched a comercail for zoloft if you can pic that... I WAS SHOCKED.. THAT WAS ME.. BUT WHO DO I TELL? and so i didnt and i masked my every feeling.. i can control alot of this by the help of doctors and family and what not.. but the stupid feeling NEVER GOES AWAY.. i cant use alot of sites for talking cus i just sound like this and no one understands me cus i cant hold a converstaion with out me asking them * what does that mean? or where was that or when was that.. lol.. its not funny for me but i cant help but laugh some times cus i wonder... i really do wonder.. what they ment and i cant understand what they ment if i dont understand the word they used.. or i dont why we have labour day half the time.. i get confused.. is that the day we dont were white the next day? is that the day we remember the war vet? isnt that rememberance day? AND I DO THIS EVERY DAY.. I think we judge our selves so much we hurt more and thats what we see more or think more about.. for me i think.. i have to understand why i am the way i am. why i seem to smart and funny.. half the time no one even knows im sad mad or whatever.. it was shocking for my family when i told them just 2 years ago about my abuse when i 13.. but since then i feel like i have been more honest with my doctors and more willing to get help.. im waitinf or mental health to see me and its looking like a long ways away.. but when im there with them.. i plan to ask them to really take a look at me and help me understand.. cus i cant handle not knowing.. i think its taking a part of me away every day.. i dont have much left...

sorry for my rant / comment it kinda turned into both huh?