it feels like remorse... no - regret. Sorrow? hmmm... it's like all of those things, mixed with 2 parts desperation and 1 part anger.

a really active depression, a brain that won't slow down enough to get a handle on it, and not to mention the self destructiveness that comes along with it.

it's almost like a blanket that covers everything, giving life and emotions to everything around. Everything is sad and calling out. Blaming me for the things that I have done.

it's like I'm desperate and guilty. It's not the things I have done anymore, it's just me, there is something wrong with me and I am sorry for being who and what I have become. I grieve the good times now. I grieve everything that made me happy before and times that meant everything to me, I can feel them turn into nothing.

I want to lie down and never wake up. But I know that I don't deserve to lay down. I don't deserve to just dissapear, i must suffer. I must pay the price and for me it's never ending. I want to die and I want to die fast because I know that I won't. Nope, I will suffer for so long, until my flesh is rotting and falling off my bones and I am half alive in hell burning from the inside out.

I am half alive when I remember the one thing. It's a feeling actually. I can't quite place it, but it is familiar. I get a warm sensation inside and I realize that even though I am burning alive, I'm ice cold on the inside. But I'm warming up now. My focus is off of eternal suffering and concentrating so hard on this feeling, this glimpse of a feeling that I can not isolate or put my hand on, it's just barely there. But it's enough to focus on.

It's a choice now, finally, I have a choice in what is happening. It feels like forever that I had any control and this choice seems so big and huge that I am afraid to make it. But I do...

and I chose to take a big chance. It's a gamble, and one that seems to carry the fate of the world with it. I have chosen to allow myself to focus on this feeling. and I know in the back of my mind that this feeling will grow. But.. I'm not sure that I am ready for the pain to go...

it kills me, but it also keeps me safe in a way. I can't describe it, but...
it does kinda keep me safe.....
the light, the good feelings...
they leave me exposed....
not safe...
risky....
damnit! as such is life.... I can't have the good without paying a price
so it will be a while... for me to build myself back up... enough... to be able to experience the good and be ok with that. it will be a while to build myself up enough to be able to experience the good again.

I guess until then, I have to try and stay out of the burning hell. I don't like it there. My flesh falls off there. it's gross.

I feel better now. Not great. NOt good. Just not like dying anymore. I don't know what to do! But I can choose now... it's a choice again what I am doing. So that is good at least. Yeah, it will be a while but I know that it will come.