had an appointment with pdoc today.

was in tears before I even went into the office. Very depressed.Things going very badly. Nightmares, ect. Losing jobs left right and center because i keep crashing.

She noted that there is disconnection in when i express myself - I will be in tears but then she will say something and I am smiling a huge smile while crying. She noted my dissociation.

She is going to try to get me on disability for about a year so that we can really start getting into this stuff. Im scared. To death. Just want to sleep.

I dont want to become the useless person on disability - but she says that with disability there is funding for me to attempt the things i love - like my art and writing, and that they will help me to find a job where I can excel without overstressing myself.