This is such an intense issue for me that I just got vertigo so if my spelling is off. sorry

Ive been in therapy for 3 or 4 years and I have never been able to keep eye contact with T for more than a few seconds. I mentioned this to him b/c I dont want him to think I'm being evasive or lying. I'm afraid that I'll see disgust or exasperation in his eyes. He's the only person I talk to about my depression, anxiety..

I dont cry with others. I have cried with therapist occasionaly but I work very hard to suppress tears I hate the way I sound when I cry. It embarrasses me, like ive made a fool of myself. he says that it's safe to cry and i believe it , He encourages me to cry but its painful and I feel vulnerable., it makes me want to throw up. I have no problem crying when I'm alone. The only tear that flow easily are when I'm angry or frustrated,
When my mom died I cried, privately. I wouldnt let others comfort me even though they saw no tears. I come off as cold and I'm not a cold person.
I see others cry, I mean tears, sobs, out loud crying, the works and I'm astonished. I wonder if I'll ever let myself cry with others without wanting to throw up or getting dizzy.