So yesterday (Thanksgiving) the food was good. Of course, because I was the one who cooked it. The day itself was pretty damn stressful. It sucks not having any help and being the one that your messed up family takes advantage of. So I had to buy everything, wake up early to cook everything wash an a$$ton of dishes, clean up after everyone after spending hours pretending to be the perfect HAPPY (lol what does this word even mean?) host. I was never so glad as when they decided to leave!! Too bad I have to do it all again next month. There needs to be a longer time span between holidays, that's for sure.

So pretty much the situation is that I had to cook everything because my step dad is the nastiest man on the planet (doesnt shower, sleeps on cat pee soaked sheets, its just gross), and my mom is a hoarder. Literally, as bad as the tv show. There are so many cats (18+) in their house; its disgusting. And of course the kitchen is the worst room in the house. I dont know when the last time they could see the stove. So those issues on top of a massive cock roach infestation...no way would I eat anything that comes out of their house. I dont know how they havent gotten sick yet. Anyways, so yeah 7 hours of cooking a massive feast and my step dad decides to sit right next to me. The overwhelming aroma of cat urine and rool-your-own cigarettes made me vomit in my mouth a little. Could barely eat anything. Then he sat on my cloth couch. Feel like burning it. Not sure Febreeze will ever get the smell out. All the while I'm cleaning up the mess. Then they take the left overs home and leave. Good riddens! But still... it pee's me off that I went through all of this work and they showed up, ate and left with care packages and i got stuck with the tab/mess.

Ok, so why am I posting in the relationship board about my family problems. Well, good question. After all of this I had a serious breakdown and the whole day today my mind has been racing and I cant get it to stop.

I'm alone and lonely and I keep thinking that last year was so different. We spent Thanksgiving with his mom. Last year I was with the man I love. We were happy and in love, engaged even and here it is, not but 1 year later and I lost him.

And my damn job keeps playing "happy" Christmas music and its depressing me further because I know that I'm going to be alone on Christmas as well.

Do you know what its like to want to go back in time and do things differently? It hurts so much. You tell yourself that you would not take the small things for granted. And its so hard because you want it so badly you'd do anything for it, but nothing you could ever do would even matter.

And that last thing you want to think is that its too late. Or that you should have paid more attention. You should have taken a day or two off work to do something fun and spontaneous. Deep inside you know that you shouldnt have been so angry all of the time. That you should have not gotten so mad for dumb things that the other person did or said. And you yourself should not have said mean and hateful things when you were mad, and if you couldnt help it, at least have the dignity to apologize for them later. You should have said I love you a lot more. Should have never went to bed angry. Should have spent more time smiling because you were with the one that you love, than crying because not everything was perfect. Would it have killed you to do a few more small things that you know your partner would like, just to see them smile, just to make them happy?

But what hurts more than any of that is knowing that it doesn't matter anymore. I know that there is nothing that I could say to the man that I love that would change anything. So as much as it hurts not to talk to him...talking to him, telling him everything that I think and feel and him not caring at all, would hurt just as much, if not worse.