Welcome... I suffer from depression but not bipolar so i can't relate totally to your dilemna.

It sounds as if there are quite a few here who can relate thought I think you will find them to be wonderfully supportive and helpful.

I hope you are able to reach a point where you can do as Davey says... it sounds like he has the right idea. Whatever you do, don't lose hope for a betetr life.. it is possible.

Wishing you the very best...