I've been feeling so free lately. Free from my mother's voice and presence. One issue for me is that when I wanna purchase clothes for myself, if they are not to Mother's liking I feel guilty and bad for hurting her. I must say it's quite restrictive, to not be able to wear certain style shoes, clothes, hair, etc. for fear that I'll meet Mother on the street and she'll criticize (has happened in the past, that we bumped into each other...).
This week I was feeling so free to wear a certain article of clothing and I was thinking, geez, you mean to say I've really finally come to this place where I can wear what I want without fear of Mother?
Today I see Mother's home phone no. on my caller ID. And all at once my fears returned. I no longer feel that I can go ahead and wear that piece of clothing that only yesterday I felt free to wear.
When I put the puzzle pieces together it all made so much sense: Mother had been out of town for 2 months. Just knowing that she's not around freed me up to be myself.
And now that she's back, I'm back to being the scared little girl. And I'm 35 years old!
I would very much like to get to a place where Mother doesn't live in my head rent free. And that being physically apart should not be the only way to gain distance. I'd like to be able to gain emotional distance even when she is in town.
Unfortunately at this point it takes for her to leave town in order for me to feel like wearing whatever I wish. Fortunately, I look forward to a time when I will be able to feel ok about wearing what I want even when she is sitting across from me.
If you have any insight into how to achieve this, I'd much appreciate hearing from you!
Thanks!