Quote:
Originally Posted by NeutralAlignment
I know that when my kids hug and kiss me goodnight that I smile, tell them I love them and hug and kiss them back-I wouldn't want it any other way-but it does not stir something in me the was it does for other people.
When my husband does something romantic and tells me how much he loves me it seems like I am standing behind myself controlling my 'emotion puppet' of myself to make sure that my reaction is appropriate.
I do not want to hurt or manipulate others, but is my emotional deficit and the facade I have to put on for them a manipulation on its own?
I just need someone to talk to that knows what its like to have such a lack of genuine feelings. Thank you all for your time and thoughts. [/B]
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Hi Neutral Alignment,
I can relate a lot to your words above. While I know that I love my daughters, I have a very difficult time expressing those positive emotions. I give them hugs, kisses & tell them, but there's something missing. I don't know what it is, but I feel empty inside. Same thing when my bf expresses his love for me ~ except I am even less emotional in those times. I smile weakly at him, but feel completely blank on the inside.
I do have BPD, but I really don't think that I'm being manipulative at all. I always try my best to please others that I care for. And I do have times where I do feel love towards my bf, just not necessarily the same time as when he says it to me.
I just wanted you to know that these words really resonated with me! Out of curiosity, what was your home-life like when you were a child? Did the words and actions of family go together, or was it say one thing & act another way? Like: your parents said that they loved you, but they really weren't there for you in chaotic times...that kind of thing. I *think* that's the reasoning for my walls going up in early-childhood.