I plainly remember how I felt when my eating disorder started, just like it was yesterday. I was forced to eat in my family of origin, than I felt really bloated, also I got a severe upset stomach. I remember how greasy the food tasted and how sickening it was to have to eat it. I later remember when I was a bit older eating nervously and overconsuming food. That was distressing and the big stomach bulging out in front of me hurt really bad. I rehearsed and rehearsed to myself that some day, someday when I finally could, I would control eating and I would do it so good, i would do it better than anybody else past perfection. I was 200 % dissatisfied with living and with the weapon which was food itself and expelling it was going to save my entire life from certain ruien.

Any way that is how it began deep inside of me. There is nothing wrong with seeing it for truth of was how I created my feelings and I did the best I could with what tools I had. I am proud of myself for using the bare sets of tools and YES I did a good Job. As a matter of fact, I should be proud of myself.

Now I need to adjust my fine tuning. If I adjust my tuners, I will do the same: Find definaate answers and be successful as I was with the program that worked for me (for a little while) and kept overworking long afterwards.

So I have to readjust today. Each day I am willing to reevaluate and adjust one day at a time with my higher power it my life will premit it.

All I can do is try.

No matter, I now realize I am UNCOMFORTABLE, physically, mentally, spirtually and relationally, that there is nothing in this Earth that makes me totally comfortable BUT I have gratitude that I am doing BETTER, one day at a time and that is all I can ask for.

I can live in my own skin today with the ED., some days are MUCH more better, in MY MIND MY BODY AND MY SOUL BUT I have a brand new day with new circumstances, one day at a time.

I Razeljenny feel like crap today, YES, I do, I purged for 4 days now. I started to eat more normal, my new boyfriend and I ate a bunch of meals but I went over my limit and bounderies. Than I started purging and I didn't even realize what I have been doing for the last 3 days, but now I realize it and I sure don't feel well. (You know I have been eating blender drinks with soy, celery, and raw sunflower seeds and not milk or bread for a year, losing 60 pounds. So eating normal for a week is a real big move of bravery for me. I am sad I started to purge, (since I quit it about a year ago) slipped a couple times but got better for the most part) I ate "weird" but child I was putting daily nutrition into my neck every 4 hours. I know I sound bizarre, but Ed's are bizarre anyway, right. Well I care. Love Razel-j.

Love you keep on trying

yes we have small, medium and large set backs, but the important thing is to take care of YOURSELF. I am going back to my eating method, not larrys way because I have to takee care of me and deserve it. I am still proud of myself for eating like a normie for last week and might try again when I feel better, but go more slow next time. Thank you for listening.