yeah. shite happens...i spin. sick i suppose. the world becomes an enemy. people in it anyway. it's a tightrope walk with most at the best of times. someone i trusted in my life...one of the few friends in so called rl, decided to play games and put me in a very awkward position. in explaining my discomfort i was fkkg 'punished'. wow. i'm not so troubled with that as i am in allowing myself to be so blind. i ask little of anyone. i don't feel comfortable with that. hey...i have problems or i wouldn't be here. i'm a skeptic in this life. i trust little and when i do...well it's rare that i trust anyone. someone i trusted broke some rules...i can handle the immediacy of the problem resulting. i cannot however handle the realization that I'm in this position all due to my mental issues. this current situation is just another incarnation of life mismanagement courtesy of poor wiring shall we say. it makes me angry it makes me depressed it invalidates me. i should shrug and continue...without a thought backwards. that won't happen. it'll result in me putting up more bricks and remortaring the ones already up. i know that's wrong but that's the course it's always taken. this shite put me in a spin...i know the feeling...the blinders are on. i'm spinning. near everyone is suspect. enough to promote the guilt and matching despondency that i know so well. were i self reliant i would need nothing. but that's not right either. i have little now but i won't ask. i feel guilty to ask anything of anyone. @$@% it. Welcome to a few bad days johnny...and a few more bricks. don't say a god damned word anyone...i can't use it. but work on getting better the lot of you. it doesn't solve itself.