Quote:
Originally Posted by djjonson
Once a day, I take burning hot showers. (I self harm as punishment, I have really low self esteem and self loathing, but I am not here for you to tell me not to do it). It is really really hot, I will step in the water and after three seconds I am burning and dieing to get out but I don't let myself out, I will stay for twenty seconds or so. and once I stop, i take a five second break and step back in the hot water and repeat the process. I want desperately to leave after 3 seconds but i stay for twenty, each second is as if it doubles in pain. so my question is, does it take a lot of mental power to do this? what effect could this have on me mentally and physically. thanks!
|
I'm glad you found your way here. You will find that you aren't as "strange' as you may think.
I don't see an age on your profile, but since you don't speak of prior incidents, I'm guessing you aren't that old. Yes, burning yourself can do damage, and the sad thing is that once its done, you will have to live with it.
It may seem benign to you now, but anytime you self harm, there is potential for it to get out of control. Fast.
As a teen, I used to heat a large nail head til it was red hot and "brand" my arm with it. I wanted to see how long I could take it without giving in. There is a strage high that you get when you are able to dissociate yourself from the pain. Its probably due to endorphins that your body releases. The trouble is, self harming behavior very often escalates to more serious forms.
When you stand in a hot shower, after a while, it doesn't seem as hot. Take a person who just wants a regular, everyday shower. The temperature you start with is usually significantly lower than what it ends up being. In your case, you are taking it a step further. Its possible to be severely scalded by the water, depending on how hot you make it. Burns can become infected if they blister. Now you are in a situation that you can no longer control yourself. That sucks on a couple levels. First, you have to explain how you were burned. (Emergency room Dr.s are fairly good at telling what is an accident and what isn't). Secondly, and more importantly, any infection you get may be serious and land you in the hospital.
Mainly, I'm concerned that you might someday up the stakes and do something even more dangerous. You've had a taste of the adrenalin and endorphins, and though you might feel like you are in control now, it may ony be a matter of time before you aren't. Like anything else, the sooner you get help and learn how to stop the behavior, the better off you will be, I know you said you are not here for someone to tell you to stop, but i've been there and I don't want you to have to go through what I did.
Does it take mental power? If you were pushing past the pain because you were in physical therapy and the treatments hurt, I'd say yes. Believe it or not, right now, I think it would take more mental power for you to stop than to keep going down this road. Its an addiction, like any other. No one deserves to be tortured, be it at the hands of another, or yourself.
Sam2