I'm scared to post this because I really don't want anyone to think any less of me. I don't have anyone to talk to. I really am working on getting a therapist but I just can't. I have too much other sh-- to worry about then whatever this is. I just really need someone's opinion. There's this other part to me, like imprinted in the back of my mind. And I can't see it but I can feel it. Every time I try to do anything, every time I try to sleep I just can't. I'm up all night, worrying. I'm thinking about just about every bad thing that could happen to me and other disturbing things. I acknowledge that I need to stop but I enjoy it. I enjoy feeling dark. I enjoy hating everything and thinking about these things but I'm worried that if I keep on indulging, then I won't be able to stop. It's the only thing that keeps my heart beating and I almost want to pass it on. I want to share it with other people. I just don't know where I would be without this imprint. I'm remembering things from my past, things my father showed me, messed up things, like he was making me into something. I just don't know. I'm not a bad guy. I'm not dangerous. I'm about as nice as you can get but I just don't think about anything else anymore than these thoughts. I'm faking my smiles. I'm acting like I care what other people say and I just feel less and less like me every moment. Any help would be appreciated. Please don't think of me as something horrible. I'm not. Everyone else thinks there's something wrong with me. They avoid me and I've done nothing but be nice to them. I just don't get it and I need to be able to close my eyes without being terrified rather than just waiting until I physically can not stay awake anymore to pass out just to wake up maybe an hour or two later because of thoughts running through my head.