this may sound out there, but my personal belief is that we sometimes as humans decide to align with some darkness, in the false belief that the darkness will not harm us. i'm not sure if that came out right, i've never tried to explain it. but this could be a safety you've put up to process the wrongs experienced as a child. you still are that good and innocent person in there, and you know this. i think some sort of healing modality like mindfulness therapy or hypnotherapy or meditation class could really help you figure it out.