Im completely lost right now. Im so confused, and really upset, cause I thought Id be starting to feel a little better, but I messed up somehow. I dont know what I did. I thought I was doing well, but apparently not...

My therapist has been offering me this chance at some relief from all the crap in my head, and telling me that I should tell him when Im ready. That was cool originally, cause he wasnt forcing me to dive into some treatment plan that I wasnt ready for, but a few weeks ago, I told him I was ready. We did this breathing thing, and he said I did well. I kept my eyes closed for a long time, and I dont normally do that. I believed him when he said I did well...the next week, I did something that I thought was insane (seriously, I thought I was losing it), but he said it was actually great! I believed him on that one too. He said that the next session, we were gonna dive into this thing (I dont actually know what it involves) that will help me, and I was psyched to think that I might actually start to get some relief...But this last session, we just talked. The only mention of the thing that will help me was that he went back to saying "let me know when you're ready"...WTF?! I was going to remind him that I already said I was ready, but he obviously doesnt think I am, so I didnt want to argue it. I made up some bull about being ambivilant, and he seemed to agree with it, so I guess that's what he's thinking.

I guess he knows better than I do if Im ready or not. He knows what the treatment entails, and I dont. So maybe I did something wrong without knowing it was relevant? Or maybe when he said I was doing well, he was just being nice? I just dont understand how Im supposed to tell him when Im ready, if I dont know what it is Im supposed to be getting ready for. I tried to just take a leap of faith, because Im so tired of being the way I am, so I figured that if he has some way to help me, then I'll do whatever he says. I thought that's what being "ready" was - being ready to take that leap. If that's it, then as far as Im concerned, Ive been ready for a few weeks now. If he decided that im wrong, and Im not ready, then that's fine, but then shouldnt HE have to tell ME when I am ready, since apparently, he feels I cant gauge my readiness properly?

...All I know is that he's been dangling this chance at some relief infront of my face, and when I finally screwed up enough courage to try to grab it, he pulled it away and started dangling it again. I really dont understand what's going on. I dont know what I did wrong. I've gone over it a million times (and Im sure Ill go over it a million more), but I just cant figure it out. . .Unless maybe that IS the treatment? Maybe it's some kind of frustration tolerance thing? That would be wierd though - and kind of mean. He's never really struck me as a sadist. He's actually a really nice guy. I dont think this is based in anything mean-spirited.

I keep running through it and obsessing over it, and I cant take it anymore. Does anyone have any idea what might have happened?! Has anyone here been through something like this before? Is this just part of the process? Or does it sound like I did really mess up somehow? Sorry this was so long. I feel like my brain is melting from thinking about all this, and I guess i needed to get it out.