Bless your heart. I"m so sorry this has happened, particularly at this time of the year. And my gosh, your family of origin is certainly dysfunctional! How you turned out so normal is beyond me!

Sweetie, I know you're hurting, and you're hurting BADLY. But going over the past is not going to do you one lick of good. You can't keep rehashing the "what if's" -- that's just going to drive you insane. We cannot change the past, even in our minds. What's done is done, and we have to face that.

I would really suggest seeing a therapist, and learning how to cope with this depression that is torturing you. Depression is "anger turned inward." That's all that it is, and we HAVE to learn how to deal with that anger. Once we find out ALL that we're angry about, then we can better handle the depression.

I have to think that some of your anger is towards your family -- you may not think so, but believe me I would certainly be angry. In fact when I went thru therapy, I didn't think I was angry at MINE, but it turned out I was ENRAGED. And I found out why -- and dealt with it. And it helped immensely! So please talk to a good therapist sweetie -- he/she can really help you thru this. I promise.

God bless you, and please let us know what happens, will you. We care about you!!! Please take care and hope to hear from you again. Hugs, Lee