This may trigger*****
I did finally send my ex roommate a email and told her I couldn't handle her contacting me and asked her not to because it's hurting my health. I felt horrible doing it but as my friends told me she had no trouble in hurting me. I still have trouble with it no matter what she did yet I still feel anger towards her and myself.
I'm also disappointed in myself because I had managed not to cut for several weeks till her call but now it's just as bad and I'm afraid because I go both to the doctor and therapist on weds. I feel afraid and embarrassed. I still can't get a hold of it though and I'm afraid they will find out and it will cause trouble. They don't know about it.
The Xanax the doctor gave me hasn't really helped. My lawyer whom is also a friend was trying nicely to find out about my Dad and we talked about the animals my husband sent to slaughter and I totally lost it in front of her. I felt so bad and she probably saw what a nut I am. Normally I can shut down and save people from the reaction but I just couldn't.
Today is a really hard day too. It's my Dads Birthday. I sent my Mom a happy b day text for him but I feel just horrible. I can't handle talking to them and I feel bad bout that and that they never call or want to talk to me even when I call them. I feel like a really horrible person. I feel like like I failed them as a daughter and if I had been more like my sister they would want something to do with me. I feel horrible because I googled my dad and found a photo of him and he looks not a thing like I remember. My grandma was telling me his health was bad and I can't help but feel I will never have any type of a normal relationship with him because of what he did, continues to do and my inability to trust. I also know my mon and sister will never forgive me if things don't get fixed and this also makes me sad.
Them I have again been thinking about the few friends I do love with all my heart but I can't trust anyone and I hate that about myself. I either think they will hurt me someday or find out I'm too messed up and leave me. I'm afraid to get close to them and I honestly don't get why they would want to be my friend that they will sooner or later wake up wise up and get the hell away from me. I feel bad I feel this way because I do care about them and think they are good people but I still very strongly feel that wAy.