My name is Ashley, I am 19 years old and there is a possibility that I have been suffering from severe depression since I was 7 years of age. Due to situations beyond my control and the fact my family has a history of the illness it was prominent by the time I was 13 that I was suffering from depression. The fact that I had been abused by my father, in more ways than one, added to the known realization he was the one in my family that suffered from it as well, I did not want to admit to myself that I was like him in yet another way than by having him been my sperm donor. It finally took me until the winter of my 18th year that I realized and admitted to myself that I needed help.
I had previously been involved with countless therapists and they always said that I was a normal teenage girl…but in all actuality I was just too intelligent for them to decode and figure out. I went through at least 4 Freudians who I always managed to change the direction of the conversation without even noticing I was doing so. When I finally did admit that I needed help I had hit the lowest low ever imaginable, no I was not suicidal as I view that is a weak person’s way out of their responsibilities of life.
One night, I was in one of my holes and I couldn’t find a way out, so I took my hat and knife and I walked to the trailer park down the street in which one of my closest friends live in. The entire way I held the knife in my hand and I can clearly remember me wishing someone to walk near me so I can finally release the pain and violence that had built up inside me on someone else. The moment I made it to the trailer, I handed my friend the knife and told her to keep it away from me until I got the help I needed.
When I went to the doctors they did a blood test along with asking me about my past and it turned out the level of serotonin in my blood was in an imbalance and they put me on Zoloft in March. Since then I have only had one break down and that was in April while I was still adjusting to the medication. As of now I have been able to deal with changing of educational situation, economic situation, as well as the death of a good friend of mine by vehicular manslaughter. This medication has been a savior in my mind as it has finally allowed me to live the life I only had glimpses of while I was suffering with the problem. I originally didn’t want to be like my father, and then it was because I did not want to rely on medication for the rest of my life, but now I am glad that I am on the pills.