I don't think you're wrong to ask him to figure out stuff, but I do think he may feel like its an ultimatum and people rarely respond to those well. I do also very much understand all the confusion you're going though, esp when on top of him cheating.

Have you ever thought of going back to the dating stage? Like when you first dated? Instead of it being so heavy, perhaps meet up for some old fashioned dating, see how you both get on, and how you feel. Perhaps for you, to leave out the sex until you feel more certain and secure, as I can imagine the being intimate is hard when getting mixed signals.

However, I also can imagine it hard for your ex to feel like everything is being tested. I do think he has a lot to answer for, over the cheating, but if you are really honest with yourself and really really want to be with him, then you're going to have to be strong (possibly stronger than him) and meet him in the middle. No matter how unfair it may feel to you because you were the innocent in this, he needs some space and encouragement to be able to make it things work with you.

Best of luck over the next couple of weeks. It's really tough stuff and I am rooting for you.