That is a really hard question...the thought of calling the police on someone you love or is dear to someone you love is one of the hardest things you can do--I had to do it once, though I didn't have time to think about it.

I think you should absolutely be ready to call the police. I agree that it's the only way she is going to get the help she needs. You and your husband must be in total agreement on this. I am afraid that if the time comes you won't have time to argue about it.

Do you have a plan for what you would do if the worst happens? Do you know where you would take her if she had to have, or decided to get help? Do you know a psychiatrist or psychologist you can call on? It may not hurt to call the emergency room at the nearest hospital and find out what would happen if she had to go there.

I can't really make a judgement about the potential for violence, but I don't blame you for being frightened. I think you guys need to set some serious ground rules before she stays...you should not have to live in fear in your own home. Possible rules could be that boyfriend and go elsewhere, she gets help beginning now...stay out of my room. I know we worry about our kids, and we should, but your safety must come first.

I think that the best thing to do is to start with a talk that is calm, loving and assertive--she must understand what the deal is. And if she cannot handle that, then the consequences must be swift and firm. Hopefully that will result in her getting the help she needs. Also, perhaps he can persuade her to accompany him to a DBSA or NAMI support group (DBSAllince.org or nami.org). I have seen this work several times in encouraging the child to get treatment.

I am really sorry that you find yourself in this position, it is extremely hard. While you and your husband must be firm in doing what must be done, know that your stepdaughter would not be like this if she could help it, and it feels even worse on her side of the fence.

I wish you well, let me know how things work out.

~Hugs~
DJ