I hesitate to post in this forum, for I have never formally been diagnosed with depression. However, I suspect I may have been if I had ever gone to the right people or if I had been more honest with my T. I have never talked to my regular doctor or to a psychiatrist, only to natural medicine doctors and counselors/psychologists to avoid meds. Anyhow...

Last school year I was in a terrible place emotionally. I'd been struggling emotionally during the previous year, and changed schools partially because I thought my school was the problem, and partially because I figured that if I didn't go to school with them, the few friends I did have wouldn't feel as bad if I killed myself. MY junior year (last year), all of my thoughts revolved around suicide and I stopped doing my school work because I was planning suicide before the end of the year. Getting out of bed was a struggle and I wouldn't shower for days. I never even attempted suicide because I realized my plan was faulty, and I regretted that decision until about halfway through the summer, when through a series of events, I started to turn around.

Now, I don't normally feel that same sadness anymore as constantly. I kind of miss it. I feel incomplete and unjustified and mostly just strange. I'm always very sad, so why don't I feel that way? I'm not happy, I'm just not sad. I sometimes get close to that feeling, but only for a few hours, or two days at the most. I started self-harming a lot more earlier this year, mostly during those times that I felt bad or stressed out, but I haven't done it in two or three weeks. The strange thing about now is that I have lost most interest in things I've always liked to do. I never really had this problem even when I was at my lowest. I've always loved shopping and music. But I have not had the desire to shop, and the last few times I've been at the mall, I felt very irritable. I just wanted to go home and lay in bed. I haven't left the house all weekend, and I've hardly left my bed. I haven't touched the piano in about a month, and my teacher might kick me out of her studio (meaning she'll refuse to give me lessons). I don't know how to describe this sudden loss in interest and laziness because I don't feel as bad as I used to feel.