Going back to class is not a good idea right now.... and yet I have to go back.... I"m just screaming inside now. I got to close to the top of my car and started to bleed... now I really know what seeing blood does, all I want to do is just find someway to cut. Yet I'm in a public place.

I thought music and sudoku wold help, but it's not. This is so different compared to my normal way of si.... and what's even worse is I want sui way to much again. and I haven't wanted that in at least 6 months. I don't know how much I can handle today.

Yes I could call my T but, I don't want the possibility of being a inpatient again. I don't even want to talk to him. I could see if something else would help, but right now, I don't want to go anywhere else, due to the fact that I would still be alone... at least this way someone can see me, and it makes it harder to si.

I haven't wanted si like this before, I want to give in to the urge. Now I know how cutting feels like. But then there's the rational side of me that just says, you shouldn't want this, it leads to scares, and some religious believes then get destroyed.

And yet when someone starts talking, it freaks me out. I should just go get that book, that has helped before, but I'm afraid it would convince me more to just give in.

Darn spiritual believes yet that's the only thing that is stopping me right now. Which is a good thing but also something that I have to struggle against. AHHHHH

I have class in an hour and a half, this is not helping.....