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I resurrected this thread because something has happened again with regard to this former very close friend. . .
I was telling my t the other day how bad I still felt that my former friend never returned my poetry that I had shared with her and stored at her house during the time we were close. I had requested the poems back two other times (when our friendship first broke up 9 years ago, and then again about 7 years ago). She never returned them. Some of them had been copies, but some of them were the only originals I had. So anyway, my t suggested recently that if i still wanted the poems back, why not write to her again a very brief note asking her to return them. So I did. I also included a self-addressed and stamped envelope to save her time and effort.
Surprisingly, she returned them. I was really grateful to get them back. But when i opened up the package, on the top, she had placed one of the letters I wrote to her way back in 1998. I wrote it very early in my depression, right after she started wanting to help me with my depression and encouraging me to bond with her. It may have been the first letter I ever wrote to her. Reading my old letter has really triggered me and brought back alot of old grief. This is what my old letter to her said:
Dear E,
With this letter, I entrust you with copies of all the poems I have written from the start of my depressive episode – over 6 weeks ago – to the present time. There is no one else I would want to give them all to. Right now, you are the only person I feel I can share my thoughts and feelings with on such a diverse range of problems and issues, and yet know that you won’t jump to conclusions, judge me, or think I’m hopeless. Even though we have not been friends over a long period of time, I sense that I can trust you with my feelings and that you would never intentionally injure me. I hope you know I will never judge you for the personal decisions you make in your life, whether they be spiritual, professional, or otherwise. I think you are a very special person, and I count it a privilege to have known you thus far. The fact that you are so intelligent and want to use it to benefit others is a quality worthy of imitation. I hope God blesses you greatly for the kindness you show. Love, Peaches
Why would E. return this letter along with my poems? Was she trying to make me feel bad for asking for the poems back? Of all the letters and cards I sent her over the years (dozens), why did she return just this one? Reading it brought up all my grief again. It made me remember how quickly I trusted her, bonded with her, and made myself vulnerable by sharing my deepest thoughts, feelings, and pain. When I started reading some of my poems she sent back, I could not do it. They are so raw, so full of confusion and longing and despair. Over and over in the poems is the same theme: the fear of opening my heart up to anyone, letting them know me, letting myself love them, for fear that they will later reject and abandon me. And that is exactly what ended up happening with E. I loved her so much, I let her all the way in, and even though she knew about my attachment problems and fear of trusting, she always told me she wouldn't abandon me. And yet that is what she finally did.
It has been 9 years now, and I thought I'd finally accepted the loss and let it go. But it has surged up once again in my heart. I know this is one of the biggest reasons I have been with my t for so many years and still have never been able to truly trust her. I am so afraid to believe that if i ever let myself bond with her, that things would ever turn out differently. I am always so primed for signs of rejection, i can't relax. At any hint of it, i am shut down. I guess it was a mistake to contact my old friend and ask for my poems back. I didn't anticipate that it would still be affecting me this way.
My former friend also enclosed a short note, asking me to let her know that I received the poems. Since she sent it registered mail, and I had to sign for it, shouldn't that prove that I received it? Why would she want me to notify her that I did?
I guess I will send her a thank you card, rather than call her. There are so many things I want to tell her, but it is probably not a good idea. A part of me wants to hang on, when I know I need to let go. Until I am sure what to say, I am not writing anything. I see my t today, so we will talk about this.
But I'm just wondering. . .why would she include my old letter? And why ask me to let her know I received the poems if she sent it registered mail?
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