You know (& have been admitting openly, tokiwartooth) that two demons have hold of you and are dragging you through the dirt ... alcoholism and longing for this lover gone from your life. He's not coming back--drinking won't make that hurt less.

You've been brave about saying that you know this, but you need to actively do things in your life that will move you beyond this state. The longer you remain "stuck," the greater risk of drifting into risky behavior ... in my opinion.

Roadie