(((((((((((((vanna))))))))))))),

My prayers are with you & your family. I can understand the sorrow you are feeling. My prayers are with you to get through this difficult time. When I saw your post, I realized that your mother died on Sept 2 which was my mothers birthday. My mother died of cancer just 1 1/2 years ago.

Your mother was very blessed to have you as her daughter. It's hard to say that final goodbye. Your love for her was the most wonderful thing she could have had. It was great that you were able to spend that valuable time at the end with her, enjoying every minute together that you possibly could. Even though there is never enough time to say goodbye, when things are able to be expressed, then regrets are much less. That still doesn't take away the sorrow of loosing your Mother, but you can look back & have good memories of the time you spent together.

I know it sounds stupid, but you were actually lucky that everyone was honest with you & your mother about the truth that she was dying. It gave you the chance to be open, honest, & loving with your Mother. It gave you a chance to enjoy being with her.

I had everyone telling me & my Mother that they got all of her cancer & not once did her Dr tell her or me that her cancer was terminal. I saw it all happening in front of my eyes & knew that my mother was dying, but I couldn't talk to her about it because she didn't believe that she was dying. I was walking on egg shells around her, but tried to make sure that all of our family members were able to come & see her. Of course, I had a trauma that I also was dealing with at the time & was trying to protect her from that.

I do know that my Mother was hanging on & just wouldn't let go. Besides the fact that she didn't believe that she was dying, I think there was a fear she had of dying too. One night just before I had to go back into the medical hospital for several weeks, I took her hands & told her it was ok to let go & that my dad was waiting for her. I knew that she couldn't possibly hold on until I got out of the hospital so I needed to say my goodbye that night. She couldn't talk either, but the weak squeeze of her hands let me know that she heard me. Just 2 hours after I left was when she died quietly in her sleep. I was with her 24/7 until I got her safely into the nursing home & got hospice care for her. Unfortunately, I got the hospice care for her only 5 days before she died. She should have had that care for at least 2 months if not more.

I think that seeing someone going through cancer is the hardest thing I have ever experienced. Watching the life slowly drain away & watching it cause so much pain even with the meds. It is a memory that never goes away.

If you ever feel the need to talk about anything, I am here with a PM ear to listen,
Debbie