I know that I go through not eating at times & have been treated for anorexia in a treatment center & then have been medically hospitalized more times than I can count with the central line & TPN.

My not eating usually starts from nausea caused by something like a reaction to a med, or the last was a trauma that I went through. The not eating the last time started with smoke from a forest fire that caused me to have a horrible asthma attack which ended me in the hospital for 10 days. Horrible nausea was part of the reaction to the smoke & it couldn't be controlled. Within 4 months, I was dealing with a horrible trauma & my mother dying of cancer. All the stress kept the nausea going & I ended up not being able to get any food or liquids into my body without horrible nausea. I refuse to get sick to my stomach after a horrible experience I had with the flu that burst all the blood vessles in my face & eyes. After that I could never throw up unless it was something that hit me immediately. Within the 4 months, I had lost over 10 bounds taking me over 10 pounds below the lowest safe weight for my height.

Usually at that point, I have lost control of almost everything in my life & controlling my weight is about the only think I can control. For some reason no matter how bad I feel & how many times I pass out, I want to continue loosing weight. I was pretty lucky this last time & my weight loss stopped at the 10 pounds level. I had a hard time because I had a new foal that I was working with after I got out of being in the hospital for 2 months. I was continually passing out but knew I had a responsibility I couldn't leave. I tried to pick a weight that I would be satisfied with & was able to slowly bring my weight back up to that level. I am happy with the way I look at that weight & satisfied with the way my cloths look on me. I have times when I gain a few pounds, then I don't eat & it goes back down to the weight I like. Because I am on a high dose of narcotics for my migraines, I have a problem with constipation, so I have an excuse to use laxatives......this also helps me maintain the weight that is safe & acceptable to both my Dr's & myself.

I know when I was dealing with the trauma & the massive weight loss this last time, I too felt like giving up. I wasn't able to find the help I needed to deal with the trauma I went through & my Mother had just died. I had responsibilities with my foal, & I think that was the only thing that kept me from giving up. I know I had the feeling that no one cared since I couldn't get any help. I wasn't able to help myself....I didn't have the strength to do anything more than lie in bed. It took almost a year to get myself to a safe point & it was an exhausting fight all the way.

It is frustrating when we know what we need to do, but it is hard to get ourselves to do it. I know that I felt bad because I realized that it would take control to get myself healthy again, but I liked the control of loosing weight more than the control to get myself healthy. It wasn't completely body image that I have a problem with because when I weighed 93 pounds, I know I looked horrible. I looked like a walking skeleton with every part of my body sagging. At my age, I'm not supposed to have this kind of problem.

I guess for me, I had to find a weight that I was going to be satisfied with & become determined to keep my weight right around that point. There are still times when I have the desire to loose weight again, but when I start passing out from not eating, I hate that feeling & start eating a little more again until I get stabalized.

I can relate to getting angry at people who are trying to control my eating. I want to be left alone about my weight & anyone who bothers me about it makes me angry.....so I can understand your reaction to your boyfriend.

Your weight is something you need to come to terms with by yourself, but for your health, it is important to decide on a safe weight that you can be satisfied with. At that point, if you gain a few pounds, you can usually eat small amounts or even skip a meal or 2 without anyone getting into your face & everyone can be less stressed about the whole thing & your boyfriend will probably be quite happy to help you stay at a good weight. I am sure he doesn't want you too heavy or too thin. He can be a great support to you if you can come to terms & settle on a safe weight for yourself.

Hope things work out for you,
Debbie