Peaches, I don't know more than I've read here about the back story of these friendships, but a few things stand out to me.

Friendships can be close or distant, and they revolve around different needs based upon the personalities involved. But what adult friendships are not designed to fulfill are childhood needs. That additional emotional pressure distorts friendship.

Friends are equals who choose to affiliate based upon shared interests, mutual enjoyment of personalities, or shared history/experiences. When distorting need comes into play, on one or both parts, the freedom that forms the basis of friendship--the free affiliation--ends.

I don't believe anyone "chooses victimhood." That implies logic and consent and willfullness. I think this is more of an unconscious emotional pull that influences choice and curtails freedom. We develop this need/deficit/pull from our childhood experiences and carry it with us into adulthood until such time as it is fulfilled. Some manage to get that need met in a healthy way through life experiences, a SO, faith, self-knowledge, or therapy.

You said that you feel invisible around other people. I suspect you are not invisible to others, but your unconscious awareness doesn't sense the emotional pull in "healthy" potential friends--you literally don't "see" them--and that translates into you thinking you are invisible to them. So you act in accordance with this felt perception and don't take actions to pursue a friendship with these individuals.

To the degree that you can choose to control your actions, you can influence this pattern. It may very well feel not natural. But testing these new actions within therapy can help them feel less strange over time. Actions are self-reinforcing, and healthy relationships will strengthen your healthy instincts. Over time I think you will see your choices changing less consciously. Your felt "needs" will have neutralized, allowing you to experience more freedom of choice.

It took me a long time to develop normalized expectations of friendships, but as I got better at choosing my friends, and better at controlling my inappropriate expectations of them, I experienced how rewarding friendships free of distorting emotional baggage could be. I could only do this by processing my childhood needs through therapy.

Although I would not consider my relationship with my former T a friendship at this point--or, perhaps some kind of friendship that I don't have a ready label for--it is the absence of any distorted emotional pulls that has allowed the relationship to normalize. It leaves us both free to simply enjoy our connection.