WARNING: THIS IS A RANT.

I am on meds for epilepsy and a heart beat problem. Because of my epilepsy, I am unable to tolerate most anxiety and anti-d meds which is just as well because I don't like feeling stoned anyway. Anti-d meds inhibit sexual function and do not help with my anti-sexual nature. Being gay is not for me because I don't fit in. In fact, I don't fit in anywhere. The more therapy I have to try to adapt the more I hate myself and the more depressed I get. I am tired of changing to please others. I was conditioned to be like this by a very cold, often cruel, controlling and angry mother and neglectful father. T's give me (questionable) advice that I don't want to do like sleep around and party but I don't know how to have fun. Sex with strangers does not make me happy. Love feels totally foreign; trying to connect with others raises complex emotional problems, in particular, it forces me to deal with the lack of love and closeness with my parents. Simple things like dating are emotionally overwhelming and totally unenjoyable. I find rejection in the gay community so I just stay home and isolate. Trying to adapt, with my background, just makes me miserable. T's say that eventually, I will adapt and things will get better but that has not been the case. I am tired of fighting my innate feelings. I have lost confidence in counseling.

Please, no more posting of song lyrics. As usual, today is the same. I am alone and unhappy. However, being alone is safer than trying to succeed with my lousy social skills.