I've had depression and anxiety ever since I was 7 years old. I don't even know why I'm here, to be honest, because I feel nearly certain none of you can help me. I don't identify with people who tell me to look to "God", so I wont hear that, and I've been to in-patient facilities, I currently see a psychiatrist, none of them have *ever* truly helped me. My family doesn't know how to deal with me (half of them are depressed anyway), because I've always been so straight forward about my mental problems, it makes them uncomfortable. It's the way my brain is wired, and no medications help me besides things like Provigil, which no one will prescribe. My poor husband does more than his best, but I'm a constant stress on him, and I feel like all my love is guilt.

It's the only thing that keeps me alive, my guilt. My mother died when I was 20, if I were to... let something happen to me, my father, brother, grandparents, etc, they don't deserve it on top of everything. My brother is in prison now because he took a bad path with is own helplessness and depression. I feel guilty that I would leave my pets, because above all they're blameless. Still, when I look at them, when I feel like I love them, all I feel is guilt that haven't played with them enough or brushed them that week. Luckily, I have no children to traumatize with this. My husband, I feel too much guilt about to even love most of the time. I don't know if I even can. I've told him he should leave, and he should, because I can't have any more people around to depend on me, to disappoint. There are times when I will literally "try anything to just feel better", and he's the one who gets stuck picking up the pieces.

It's almost funny. Sometimes it gets so bad, it hurts so much, that I start to laugh at myself for ever having hoped to be anything, do anything, that could ever make it possible for me to happy, and I make everyone who loves me miserable because I can only be okay if I fake it for them.

I don't want to hear about god, or treatment, or psychiatric care, or fancy rocks with funny vibrations. Been there, done that for ages, kept "holding on". I want to die - every night I pray I wont wake up. I wont do it myself. Too much guilt.

I don't know what I need to hear. But none of that means anything to me.

Maybe I want to hear that there are other people out there who have completely lost it, who know they're as hopeless as I am. And to try to tell me otherwise, well, it's been 20 years of this for me, and it never stops. It never stops. I've done all I'm willing to do, for 20 years. Since I was in 1st grade. No one deserves this, and I don't believe we're here to go through this for "a reason". Please don't give me that. My college major was psych, I study brain chemistry, and all I know is I'm so, so screwed. *Shakes head.* I don't know what to say. I know this comes from my own mind. I know medicine and talking haven't helped me. Exercise, holistics, and God haven't helped me. There is no help for me, not for this. If you're like me, how do you keep going? That's what I want to know. I want to know from people who are as hopeless as me, not those who have been helped, but people like me who *know* we are beyond help, what do we *do*? Wait forever? I feel like everyone wants me to wait forever.

How long can I be expected to live like this? Why should I feel the guilt? Shouldn't everyone who says people like me just need to "hold on", who keep me alive with guilt and shame while I hurt worse than most people with a terminal illness - It's so strong I can only describe it as a physical pain, even if I know it isn't - they should feel guilty. I don't understand it here. I feel like I've never belonged here.