I am sry that there is so much vacillating going on for you

I dont really hav any words of wisdom for you, but I do think its a good thing that you are posting here and trying to sort out your feelings. This sounds like a difficult place to be in. Sometimes, when I am trying to make an important decision, I write down the pros and the cons on a piece of paper, just so I can weigh the options right in front of me, without it all tumbling around in my brain. sometimes, I see something that I didn't really think about before. Maybe you could try that?