((((LoneWolfie))))
I think the so-called love/hate or push/pull relationship comes from idealizing people in order to trust them. For me, I have to think that they are at least a little better than human in order to build trust.

I think that the times when I push them away, because of whatever, that it is more significant that a slant, perceived or otherwise, because it triggers something within. People with BPD are very sensitive to others' nonverbal communication, and although what is real on the outside vs. what is perceived can be debated, the pain is real and not perceived. I think, based on experience, that what triggers pushing others away (or hate) is when whatever is said/done brings forth the intense shame, making it almost unbearable to tolerate. I say this to you because I think you should be kind to yourself.This afflictive disease is unrelenting.

Yes, my xT did something during the abrupt termination phase that I felt was pushing my buttons, but who knows?? I also feel completely broken and raw to the bone, excellent description Good luck at your Friday session, I'll be thinking about you