Hello & Welcome, Corvid.

You're right. I cannot help you. At best we can compare and contrast our experiences of hopelessness.

From what you've written, I believe you feel your hopelessness (and guilt -- there's a subject) more than I do. My experience of depression is marked by significant apathy and emotional blunting, consequently the years consumed by the illness do not consciously weigh on me all the time. Every once in a while I explode, but not often anymore.

What keeps me "going?" In my case, the "going" is pretty much just "existing":

• Meds
• a tiny family
• a dog, but he's passed
• personal inertia
• a wandering mind that tends to pull me along with it
• the weak remnants of interests and values

And also worthy to list:

• interacting with PsychCentral friends.