Do I enjoy this? Why do these habits feel "fun" to do? Why does it seem to be the right thing to do? Why do I wish to continue what I'm doing when it scares me? There are a lot of thoughts, questions and reasons for "what" or "why" with eating disorders. There are a lot of emotions and feelings, too. I'm embarrassed to admit anything about bulimic type behaviors. Yet, I freely admit to my therapist that I don't eat. I almost enjoy not eating. I have better things to do. It feels as if I don't need to. I like to tell myself, it hasn't killed me yet. At my last appointment, my therapist asked how my heart was doing. My heart gets a little jumpy if I have a sugar-overload, or maybe pains/palpitations from overdoing physical activity. You know what I told him? I said, "Well, it's still beating. I'm still alive." I'm not sure what he thought of that answer. I meant it out of seriousness, but more humorously. I often use humor like that. My therapist asked me once how I was eating. I told him, "With my mouth." That time I was trying to avoid--or more like, postpone--the inevitable with humor. I usually come up with better things to say, particularly when I am in a really good mood. I don't necessarily know or understand why I feel the "need" to do what I do. It makes me feel better. I realize that eating disorders give us a sense of control. I can see that. We control how much we eat. But deeper than that, why did I "need" to eat only 140 calories the other day? What makes me decide to stop consuming around 300-350 calories? How about if I go up to 500? I ate a bagel yesterday morning, then decided that was it. I think it was about 180 calories. Late that afternoon, I decided to give in to the luxury of a (large) shake from McDonald's. I saw the parfait while looking at the menu, so I picked up one of those for later. Later came after a few hours. By then, my mind had been telling me that I might as well go all the way and have more to eat. I went to the freezer and pulled out a fast frozen kid's dinner for the microwave that one of my kid's turned down our last visit. Eventually, I had the idea that I was having such a good time, that it would be fun to pop a pill (or two, max dose) to speed things through. I don't know what makes that a "fun" idea. After the fact, I begin to wonder why did I have to do that? I started getting scared. My chest hurts when I don't eat, and it's been hurting or sore often enough lately. Consuming all that food, of course, made my heart starting palpating and pounding some, and my chest hurt. I've got pills for that, but I was too afraid to take them. I've never had any tests done--the doctor just gave me a prescription and sent me on my way. I never told him about my eating habits, and since this doesn't happen every day, all the time, he decided it was probably nothing significant. It doesn't happen every day because I stopped exercising every day a long time ago. There are times when I do eat more regularly, so during those times I don't notice things as much either, but I can. My chest still bothers me today. I even decided to put a few frozen pancakes in the microwave this morning, and added lite syrup. While the freezer was open, I spied ears of corn. I've decided to have some of that to eat tonight. I don't know if I will have anything else, but I will make myself have the corn. I think that I might stop on the way home and pick something else up on the way--maybe a shake, or sandwich, something. Maybe a taco. I am in my 30's, but I really need to grow up. I am afraid for my future, afraid for the future of my children. I fear telling anyone about what I've done, but I want to. I am too afraid. Can't therapy work even if I don't admit everything? Couldn't he still figure it out without me having to be embarrassed? I am temporarily not able to even see my therapist due to a new lack of insurance. My child's therapist will "take over" and give me a few extra minutes in the room with him, but it's not the same. I don't want to tell these things to him. If I have to admit anything, I would rather it be with my own therapist. On the other hand, I do still feel that my child's therapist has a right to know. He can better treat my child and watch for other potential problems if he know's the parents' history. An eating disorder is a complex of mental and physical things that is hard to treat and very hard to accept.