Please excuse my confusing title as I really didn't know how else to phrase it. I ask that you PLEASE, PLEASE bare with my long post and rambling as I just want to try and share all the important information.

I'm 29 years old and I was with an amazing girl for 7 years before we broke up September of 2011. We had an amazing and very loving relationship, but unfortunately I hit a wall of depression about 5 years in because of my unhappiness with my career. I had started a business that was just not going anywhere and my failures got the best of me and I soon became stagnant and stuck. My girlfriend, God bless her heart, did her best to help me get moving and do something else. Despite my depression, my girlfriend was the lone bright spot in my life and she was my world and I was hers. Unfortunately, during the last year of our relationship I let my depression affect how I was towards her. I was not as romantic and I became isolated and distant. I am deeply isolated by nature, and she knows this, but looking back I know now that she felt like she didn't even have a boyfriend during that time. I was always VERY affectionate towards her and did my best to do all the "little things" that made her love me so much, but I stopped being me. Despite this, in September 2011 she told me she wanted to take the next step and move in together/get engaged/start a family. Not all at once obviously, but nonetheless she was ready to take the next step. I told her that I too wanted to marry her and want all of these things, but that right now I needed to be financially stable first but I just did not know when that would be. (Looking back, I wish I had just said yes and moved in with her and found the resources later.) She ended up breaking up with me that same day, not hearing what she wanted to hear and said that she wanted me to focus on my career/life without her being a "distraction" to me. Truth be told, she was actually threatening to leave me but I was too blind and stupid to see it. I was angry at the time at her for breaking up with me so quickly after just having that 1 conversation. I felt like she shouldn't have broken up with me so quickly, especially because despite that, we still love each other so much. We have the main ingredient of a relationship.

Over the next several months, we went through a few weeks of speaking and not speaking, all the while it was positive; her telling me she loved me/missed me and still wanted to be with me and I kept trying to get her back, but she would not commit. I assumed it was because I still wasn't financially stable. We even had sex numerous times when seeing each other over the months, but eventually we would end up not speaking for a while because she still would not get back with me and I ended up feeling hurt and rejected. People would ask if she was seeing anybody else and I would say no way, she wouldn't do that, not based off what she was telling me. I know her too well. She loves me WAY too much to do that! During this time, I refused to date any other girl. I only wanted her and I didn't want me being with someone else to hurt my chances of getting her back. We spoke openly about this and I said I was not and she said she wasn't either. It felt like an extended break to me more than a breakup because all the while she was telling me she loved me and still wanted to be together and we weren't seeing anybody else. I had other girls show interest in my but I turned down everything without batting an eye. I only wanted her. Finally, after 8 months of rejection (April 2012) and my loneliness getting the best of me, I told her I needed to move on and I had to give up trying to get her back. She was upset... I ended up going on a few dates with another girl and we ended up having sex. It felt so wrong and uncomfortable that I could not even finish the act. My ex asked me if I was going on a date and I was honest and said yes. It was at this time that she started to come around to try and get back with me AFTER she learned this. I quickly ended things with the other girl (it was like 2 weeks total) but I was still so hurt/rejected and confused about getting back with my ex that I didn't initially get back with her. We continued to talk for weeks and the wall I had built up slowly came back down and we started to see each other consistently again. A few weeks later, she found out I had sex with the other girl and she was so angry and hurt; nearly storming out before I pleaded with her to stay. I told her I waited 8 months for her and she didn't even want me. I felt so alone and I missed feeling wanted. Unfortunately I had to leave on a month trip immediately after this (July 2012) so I could not even see her to work through it. I tried to keep constant communication with her, all along apologizing and telling her it was a mistake and out of pure loneliness and I only wanted her.

She was coming around towards the end and it seemed we could get passed it, but then she became distant and asked to take space right before I came back from my trip. I tried to get her to see me, called her, text her but she ignored most of it and gave empty responses to most. I couldn't understand it and I became desperate. I ended up finding out through her brother-in-law (by accident) that she had been talking to her "ex" again. That ex wasn't me. It was an ex that she had been seeing on and off since December 2011 (10 months). I was devastated... Worst of all, I knew who it was and even hung out with him a few times in some group settings. I ended up seeing pictures of them together I found on his & her Facebook pages (where she blocked me months ago, I just never realized it). Seeing the pictures made my heart sink. She even had sex with him again while I was away for that month. I confronted her for lying and leading me on for an entire year while I waited for her. She kept telling me she wanted to be together, yet she was with someone else the entire time (on and off I was told, not straight through) and she knew I was waiting for her. She had been moving on and cutting me out of her life and didn't tell me about it. I yelled and cursed at her and told her I never wanted to speak to her again.. Even when I said it I knew it was a lie. I just wanted her to feel something. I never felt so angry in my life. 24 hours later that all went away. I was no longer angry, just completely and utterly heart broken. It changed me... A few days later I told her that despite it all, I still loved her and wanted to be with her and I could eventually get passed her lying and learn to trust her again. I admitted and apologized for my own faults and mistakes I made in the past and that I wanted to start over and build an even better relationship with her. She was happy, but she didn't exactly jump at my invitation to get back together and work on things. She apologized for her lies she said she hated herself and felt horrible for it (her entire family wasn't happy with her lying to me either). I told her that before all this happened, I had been hoping we could get back together and move in together and I wanted to propose to her soon after that. I told her that hadn't changed, but yet she couldn't even tell me she was still in love with me... she said she was confused. It is strange, I never felt so hurt in my life and yet I immediately still wanted to work through everything with her. It's only made me realize more than ever just how much I love her. I know that she didn't cheat on me, and I've come to at least understand why she would be with someone else, but she still should have told me. We still had open communication and she had been telling me she still wanted us to be together and lying about not seeing anyone, fully aware that I was waiting for her.

She's told me she no longer speaks to the other guy and we have been seeing each other for 2 months since then. It was so hard at first, with my extreme paranoia and shattered trust but it has gotten way way better since then and I believe it would continue to get better if she would just love me as she always has. Unfortunately, she has only shown that in glimpses and it's taken its toll on me. Some days she is affectionate and loving and the next totally distant. From day 1 I always felt like I was only a test for her, to see if she still wanted to be with me or not and that has left me feeling so unconfident and because of that I'm not being myself around her. I take really good care of myself physically and consider myself to be very fit, but I feel like she isn't even attracted to me anymore. My self-esteem is at an all-time low...

She has said numerous times she still loves me, but that she has a "wall" up and she doesn't know why. She said she wishes so bad she could just be with me, but she is battling with her own issues. Last we we spoke and she said she knows I'm going through a hard time and that it isn't fair to me for her to not be 100% all in with me and that she just needed to be alone for a while and we have since agreed to take time apart for her to figure it all out. In my mind, I'm thinking we really love each other so why don't we give this a real shot?? I don't understand it but I am willing to do whatever it takes to make it work. She has said that she wants would love if I waited for her but she can't tell me to do that and just wants me to do whatever makes me happy and go on dates if I want, even though she cringes at thought of me with someone else. She doesn't want the thought of me waiting for her/being miserable on her shoulders... as for her, she said she just wants to be alone and if she would be with anyone it would be me.

I need a lot of help. Since the day I found out about them, I have been a shell of a man. I breakdown all the time, frequently crying. And then it makes me feel weak and I become disgusted at myself. I have absolutely no confidence or self-esteem anymore. I haven't been able to focus on my work or my passion for exercise. The thought of losing her forever is all I can think about. I can't shake the image of them having sex or her sharing intimate moments with someone else and I keep thinking what it is that he has that I don't? But I just love her so much and I know I can get passed all of that if only she would show me she still wants to be together. I feel so so unwanted and unloved at a time where I need to feel it more than ever. We took this time off from one another for a little over a week now and I don't know how long it will go on until I see her again. I just want us to be together, work through this thing and start our future together.

I'm a complete mess. I want to take control of my life, but I can't. I've failed in my career, I'm an underachiever and now I am on the verge of losing the love of my life. I just want to be happy again, but I don't know what to do. Please help me.