Quote:
Originally Posted by Emotionally Dead
One thing I find about sex is that it is sort of like getting your driver's license. Okay, I know that sounds insane but bare with me.
I didn't have parents for the majority of the back end of my childhood. I had to learn everything myself. One thing I didn't learn until late in life is how to drive. I didn't get my license until I was 20. Every kid around me had been driving for years. They didn't have to worry about taking the test or learning the mechanics or anything, in my eyes they had been doing it for years and it was second nature for them. Not me. Here I was, a 20 year old, taking driving classes with 15 and 16 year olds who were performing way better than I was. It was trial and error. Took me two weeks to take my first test with an instructor. I failed. Two weeks later I passed. I finally had my license.
What had happened is that it is much more difficult to get your license later in life than it is toget it when you are younger. Or in other words, it is msuch easier to learn to drive when you are younger. That's my opinion based off of experience, of course. People may disagree but I feel the same about sex. The older it is the scarier it is. You have all those years that you sit there and think about it, wondering what it is going to be like, fretting about it. All the while everyone else around you has already done it and you feel alone. Right? So see how it compares to my driving deal?
The main thing is you can't worry about it. Sex comes naturally. In fact, maybe even more naturally than driving a car does. The more you fret about it the worse it is going to be. You will have yourself so petrified that you really will lock yourself in a closet. It is what I did with driving. I had myself scared to death, when really had I just relaxed and been patient I would have realized it isn't so bad at all. Problem is I felt alone, everyone else had already done it. I am sure you are feeling similar. Don't. For one, you really aren't alone. You have a husband in the same situation. It is his first time as well, and you two have to let it come natural. When you truly love the person you are with it is an amazing thing, I promise. There is no right or wrong when you love that person, not in my experience.
Relax. Let it happen on its own. Don't force it, don't think you have to jump under the covers as soon as you say "I do", it will come naturally. Once you realize what it is all about, you will laugh at how scared you were. If he is patient and slow he will know exactly how to relax you and the night will just flow on completely natural. I really think once the time comes you will be calm and ready, and that afterwards you will wonder why you worked yourself up so much all this time over it. Take care, and I wish you the best.
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Funny thing. I was actually afraid of driving as well. :P I didn't like the idea of having a giant piece of machinery which could kill multiple people as well as me in my hands. I eventually just HAD to do it. And now it's no big deal really.
I suppose the age is a factor. (though we are getting married young even so!) Also, for people whose first time is a do-it-in-the-dark-with-a-stranger sort of affair, though it's unethical and emotionally scarring especially for females, at least they don't have to look that person in the eyes for the every day for rest of their life if it's a horrible experience. And the marriage thing adds pressure because of the expectations. But that's something I'm willing to work through for the other rewards of waiting.
I don't know. I panic pretty easily, and once I have some worry on my mind I have trouble focusing on anything else. Also, it's easier for him because he's a guy. Guys are much more easily aroused than women. He'll completely forget any nervousness, but it's doubtful that I will be able to remember much else. And I sort of worry that if we wait for "the time to come", that it won't. Because I might be afraid to even see if I'm ready, and because I don't do well with scary things that loom undefined in the future. For example, I have such a fear of vomiting (though I don't desire it, like sex). I don't worry about it all the time because it's an undefined future point, only sometimes if something sets off my phobia (like a friend becoming ill). However if I have been near someone who has been sick or start to feel even a tiny bit nauseated myself, I go into panic mode. I worry that if we were to get past our current boundaries by even a little, I might realize where we were going, and panic. Which is the opposite of "relaxed". And the funny thing is, there have been a couple times in our relationship where we've accidentally crossed small physical boundaries. But it never made me panic (other than guilt or whatnot) because I knew that, no way no how were we going to have sex because that boundary is so definite because of our strongly held beliefs about marriage. But then I get married, and my boundaries are gone. Even the slightest touch could lead into something, which would cause me to panic.