greyclouds,
there is no need to be sorry. I would be surprised if you were able to stop completely overnight. That sort of thing is rare, and personally, I would consider it a miracle. I just hope you didn't hurt yourself too badly.

There are usually only seconds to minutes between the thought and the action, both with suicide and si. Often times there is no warning. If there is, you have to learn what that warning is, even if it is subtle.

When my own si was at its worst, my warning would be something as simple as my eyes locking on something sharp for a moment. Before I finally gained control over the problem, it had become life threatening. I don't like to talk about that time in life, which was not so long ago, but I will share a spree of si I went on with you, not to scare you exactly, but to let you know how quickly things can get out of hand.

That whole year, things had been getting bad. I felt trapped in a depression I couldn't shake. Had taken on too many responsibilities for a "normal" person, let alone one who was already depressed and physically painful. The first incident occured out of the blue. i'd finished dressing after a shower and was sitting on the closed toilet just thinking, and realized that I had a blade in my pocket. I lifted my pant leg and stretched my leg out in front of me. Opened the blade, held it about three feet above my calf, turned my head and let my arm fall, blade open, on my leg. There was a deep, powerful sting, then warmth. When i looked back, i saw skin, fat and muscle laid open along a four inch long incision. I could see transected vessels sticking out of the wound. There was a mix of dark, purple blood and bright red blood pouring out of the wound down my leg, puddling on the floor. The toilet was about three and ahalf feet from the door, and as i watched, the puddle became a river that reached the door, collecting there and running underneath it. Had a friend not seen it, I would have sat there, numbly watching myself bleed to death. Every day for the next three days, the incident repeated itself, though not as badly. To this day, I have deep furrows in both calves, four in all, each with a numb area around it. Even with proper care, i could have lost either leg to dimishled circulation, or died from blood clots secondary to lower leg lacerations. No hesitation marks, no preplanning. I never felt fear and after the innitial sting, any pain.

The point is, you don't have to be attempting suicide to kill yourself with si. Any relief you may feel is fleeting, but the scars and secondary damage can be for life. Your life is worth more than that. Nothing you have done or could do deserves that sort of punishment. Keep working towards your goal of freedom from si. You may make mistakese, have setbacks, but that doesn't mean you are weak or worthless. If you feel an episode coming on, tell someone, either where you are, group, or on the forum. Keep talking or writing until the feeling passes. Everytime you can beat back the feeling, you will get stronger. You can do this.

Sam2